Abi Blears - Dating Coach - Valentines day 2

First Date dilemmas: What to do if you don’t fancy your date

“Does he make your knicker elastic twitch?” Asked my Godmother Carol when I told her I was moving in with my partner. I pretended not to know what she meant, turned a beetroot red and quickly went to put the kettle on.  This was my Godmother for goodness sake and that was a very awkward question. Wasn’t she meant to be looking after my spiritual wellbeing, not interrogating me on my underwear?

When I joined Little Black Book I fortunately found they had more class than Carol. Although we always check in with our clients after they have met someone new with us, that doesn’t involve an embarrassing interrogation about the twitching potential a man has upon a woman’s knicker elastic.  We enquire with both parties if they liked each other and found each other interesting and fun enough to warrant a second date.

From my own dating experience I know it is normal, although sometimes a little disheartening, to go on a date with someone perfectly lovely, interesting and funny only to discover that you simply don’t “fancy” them.  It is equally as normal and disheartening to feel incredible sexual chemistry with a person who has completely different life goals and is totally unsuitable in every way.

Psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania analysed the data of 10,000 speed daters and determined that it takes most people about 3 seconds to make a decision on whether they’re attracted to another person or not. Unfortunately some people will then spend the entire date focused on the fact that they don’t fancy the other person and willing the evening to end, rather than getting to know their date properly.

At Little Black Book we like to think outside of that 3 second box. What about that person who you thought was decidedly bland on first meeting but then grows on you like my Auntie Carol’s prize clematis?  Who, in time, has something about them that you like that you didn’t instantaneously put your finger on? That person in the office who you don’t want to admit you have a bit of a thing for but ultimately you do.

There’s more to attraction than the first three seconds.  If you don’t fancy someone in the first three seconds, should you turn on your heels and run? Should you just do 3 second dates and end it there based purely on that very first impression. In short, NO. It is unrealistic to be your real self during a first date and many people find that the first meet up can be uncomfortable and stilted.  How do we overcome this? We have a ‘two date recommendation’. If on a first date you don’t have the “spark” but you get on well then we recommend that you consider going for a second date. We don’t want our clients to force anything, just remain openminded.   Whilst your knicker elastic might not twitch, you might find that they grow on you like the most beautiful of wall flowers.  Our clients are looking for a long term parter, so better the slow burner than a rocket romance that fizzles out the second the lust phase is over and the rose tinted glasses slip off.